Sometimes It Needs a Bomb To Explode


Sometimes it takes a bomb to explode to start seeing things clearly again. It doesn’t mean that I would like the bomb to explode, since it also brings some bad things, but I started to see the good in it as well. It announces the end of some things, and commences the start of a new beginning. For me that meant that I regained my focus, became calmer again, and I started seeing some patterns. Even though I didn’t want the bomb to explode, it gave me the opportunity to think about myself again. What do I need? What do I want to do? What is best for my own personal growth? I didn’t find an answer on all these questions yet, but because I feel way more calm, I look forward to answering them.

The last week was really a week in which I started reflect some more. I haven’t been in my best state of mind the last couple of months, and I started thinking about what caused that. I reflected on everything that happened the last six months, and sometimes even longer back. I just wanted an explanation. The weird thing is that for almost a week now, I regained a calmness in my head, which was gone for way too long. What caused that to happen? This is a easy question to answer: I started taking care of my own well being again, instead of that of others. For too long I have been sacrificing my own well being for the benefit of others. I’ve made the decision that I am completely done with that.

I started seeing some patterns in the last few months, which were not good for my mental health, even though I made the choice myself to keep on going on the same way. For me it is really difficult to start seeing these patterns now, and that I didn’t realize this all before. It could have prevented so much. I’m sure that it would have been better for my mental health, if I would have recognized these patterns before. But that lies in the past. It doesn’t help me to keep on thinking about it too much. I only need to keep it in mind, so I won’t fall for the same trap again.

This also means that I need to make some choices. The weird thing is, that the choices of which I’m 100% sure that they will benefit my well being, are the hardest to make. But I need to make some difficult decisions to stay in the same state of mind as I am right now. And I really want to stay in that state of mind. For so long I haven’t felt so calm and focused, that it is weird that it took so much hassle to start feeling this way again.

Let me clarify though: Was I happy when the bomb exploded? No, and I am still not happy about it. On the other hand, it gave me so much back, that I am happy about what it started. The end of something can be the start of something new. The bomb exploded, and it caused a lot of chain reactions to happen, which are not good. But it also broke me loose from some chains, which brought back calmness, focus, and clarity. I am just happy where I am now, and will see what the future brings.

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