Tired

I am tired. When I wrote my New Year’s resolutions blog, it gave me a lot of energy. Ready to take over the world! It was a temporary fix. The last quarter of 2023 has been a rollercoaster ride, in a personal and a professional way. That is taking its toll now. The fix wasn’t a real fix. It was only a bandage which is coming off now. Today I have spent a lot of time inside my head again. I have been thinking about the last couple of months. Playing the tape of certain events again, wondering if I should’ve done something different. Could I have changed the outcome? Of course it is all history. I can’t change anything that has happened already. But still, sometimes these thoughts enter my head again. Playing the tape, rewinding the tape, write a different scenario. Days like these drain way more off my energy than a long day at work.

When I have my days off, and I don’t have any obligations, I find it really hard to get out of bed. Why should I leave that comfortable place? I never had that problem before. Normally I got out off bed only one hour later than I would on a working day. Today it was almost three hours later. I didn’t had anything to do, so it’s really not a big deal. But it is something that I started to notice. To get out off bed this morning, I decided I really had to go to the barbershop. With Monday being the only day that I can go, and the barbershop was closed on Christmas Day and New Years Day, I really had to get my hair cut. It is not much, but it got me out off bed.

My visit to the barbershop took longer than I thought, so it at least made me kill some time. After I got home though, it was me and my thoughts again. It became anything but a productive day. I watched YouTube videos, played videogames, and scrolled through various social media feeds. You know what the fun thing is? How come that when I feel this way, social media seems to know? On Instagram for instance, I saw all these quotes and videos that were hitting the right (or wrong?) spot. Even the trailer of a new Ryan Reynolds movie seemed to be exactly about what’s on my mind right now: What if? Cooking a good meal got me out of my mind again, and tired as I am right now, I am writing my 8th continuous blog of the year already.

In three weeks I will have some time off. The plan is to go away for a week. First I wanted to do a city trip, but now I am really looking at a all-inclusive vacation to a place where the sun shines bright. No worries, only relaxation. The problem is that my thoughts will always follow me around, so I’ll have to deal with them wherever I go. But then at least I am somewhere where the sun is shining, and where the temperature is way higher than here in The Netherlands. I am counting the days, and am really looking forward to those weeks off. But too be honest, at the moment I don’t think that it will help a lot. I just have to deal with my thoughts, and try to give them a place, Only then I can find peace.

For now, I just keep on going. Challenging myself to write daily helps. Meditating helps. So I will get to the point where I want to be again. I just don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, or that I need more time. I’ll see.

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